my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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