What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
