I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
