alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
