Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize