I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
