people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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