So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
