I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
