So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
