I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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