I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
