I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
