I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
