didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize