i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
