you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
