we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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