new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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