I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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