smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I accidentally had phone sex last night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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