cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
