when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
