Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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