i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
