im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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