we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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