hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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