You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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