I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
