Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
