Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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