My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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