I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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