Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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