If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
