there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
