you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
