I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
