Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
