How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
