She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
