Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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