The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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