take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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