i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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