Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
