I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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