someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
