I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
