i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
