Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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