I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize