you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
