I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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