Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
