I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he fucked my hip out of place.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
