Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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