i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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