He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
